


Tell Me Your Secrets

by triplexpoint



Series: Pacific Rim AU [2]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013), Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BAMFs, Ensemble Cast, Epistolary, Friendship, Gen, Male Friendship, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 19:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplexpoint/pseuds/triplexpoint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Bones POV spinoff from <a href="../900755">Coming Back As We Are</a>.</p><p>Can be read as a standalone.</p><p>February 29 2020: Jim Kirk loses Sam, his brother and copilot, to a Category III Kaiju.<br/>March 22 2020: Jim Kirk resigns from Starfleet's Jaeger Program.<br/>May 18 2020: Leonard McCoy receives an email.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me Your Secrets

`From: asldkjfdsf@anons.com  
To: lmccoy@jaeger.stfl`

`  
Fuck no-win scenarios.`

Leonard stares at the screen. The sender's email is about as helpful as a blindfold in a pitch-black cave. But Leonard needs neither email addresses nor signatures to know the sender.

Jim.

These days, everyone has survivor's guilt. But most survivors have things in common. Loved ones who couldn't make it to Public Kaiju Shelters (or to any shelter) in time, loved ones who didn't survive accidents and loved ones who fell deathly ill.

Jim has nothing in common with any survivor. The last person to pilot a Jaeger solo for longer than one minute was George Kirk. Jim's father. That was four years ago. George Kirk outlived his fallen copilot, Ayel, by 10 days, spending all of it in a coma. As of today, Jim's outlived _his_ copilot, Sam, by 80 days. He's been conscious for 73 of them.

Leonard, like everyone on the planet, knows Jim's story. The Kaiju, codenamed Knifehead, plucked Sam out of _Enterprise_ and killed him. Quickly and painlessly - a small consolation for both brothers. Jim piloted _Enterprise_ solo, defeated Knifehead and collapsed after reaching Alaska's shore, the neural overload sending him into a coma. Leonard remembers sitting by Jim's bedside, muttering gruff insults to comfort himself. A week after Sam died, Jim woke up. Two weeks after that, he was back to full health. Physically, that is. Mentally... well, Leonard remembers the vacant look in Jim's eyes, remembers shaking Jim up when Jim's screams awoke his neighbors - Leonard included - and remembers Jim clinging to him, one particularly bad night.

"Should've died, Bones. Too quiet. Mum couldn't take it after dad died - I told you, right? She resigned, we went back to Iowa. And she wasn't even drifting with him."

So yeah. Leonard saw the signs from about a million miles away. So did everyone else. They tried their best. Brought psychiatrists in and protected Jim from the media circus. However, at the end of the day, Leonard supposes that just _being_  in the Shatterdome was killing Jim.

Leonard's still pissed Jim didn't see fit to say goodbye. So much for their four-year friendship - Leonard only found out 8 hours after Jim Kirk left the building and talk didn't die down for _weeks_. Even though the kid knows Leonard would've done anything to help him. (They've never talked about these things, but they don't need to. Never have.)

If Leonard looks past the hurt he carries like a burden, he knows it's probably because Jim couldn't bear to say goodbye. They've always hated goodbyes. Goodbyes imply permanence. These days, with family, friends and colleagues dying left and right, everyone needs hope.

Still, Jim should've popped by, overnight bag slung across his shoulders and brown hair sticking up in all directions. He should've said "see you soon, Bones," so that Leonard could say "yeah, see you."

That night, Leonard lies awake wondering what to reply. Everything he wants to ask Jim - where are you, are you safe, do you know how worried everyone was, why didn't you tell anyone anything, have you finally gone stark staring mad, you couldn't even trust me? - will only drown Jim in more guilt and make him isolate himself, perhaps for good.

Everyone knows they're best friends. (Leonard still uses the present tense because friendships still exist even if one party thinks it's a good idea to vanish into the ether.) If Jim contacted anyone, Leonard would be the first to know.

No one's told him anything about Jim.

Logically…

(Leonard hates that he's using the word logically. It's that hobgoblin's fault. The same hobgoblin who, one day in the mess hall, callously said that given the dearth of communication, there was a 9.8% chance that Jim Kirk was dead. Leonard's never really been able to forgive him for that, even after he yelled at Spock and Spock apologized, acknowledging that his comment lacked tact. Understatement of the _century_ , in Leonard's opinion.)

Anyway. Logically, Leonard is the first person Jim's contacted since pulling a Houdini. Jim's stubborn. So for him to contact Leonard? He's at the end of his rope.

14 hours after that email popped up in his inbox, Leonard taps out a reply.

`From: lmccoy@jaeger.stfl  
To: asldkjfdsf@anons.com`

`Yeah.`

`Leonard McCoy `  
`LOCCENT Mission Control`  
`Starfleet Jaeger Program`

The floodgates don't open, but a trickle begins. They develop a routine. Everyday, around 9pm UTC−09:00, an email pops up in Leonard's inbox. Sometimes, Leonard replies within a few minutes. Other times, when he's busy with a project, he'll reply later. But always within 24 hours.

They lace their emails with dark humor. Coping mechanisms. Jim never talks about what he's doing and Leonard follows his cue. Jim's never explained, but Leonard knows Jim resigned because the memories hurt too much. Leonard understands. Wasn't that the reason he enlisted in the first place? To get away from Georgia, where memories of his daughter and his ex-wife, before things went to shit creek, haunted him. So yeah. Leonard understands.

Seconds after receiving that first email, Leonard wanted to send out a Shatterdome-wide notice - Jim Kirk's alive! - but didn't because it wasn't his secret to tell. But sometimes, Leonard wants to ask Jim if he can tell a few people. Just a few. Like Sulu, who emails Leonard like clockwork every Saturday, asking Leonard if he's heard anything about Jim. Those emails send twinges of guilt through Leonard's chest. But he's too afraid to break his tacit agreement with Jim.

About 5 weeks after Jim's first email, Leonard lies on his bed, PADD in hand as he watches the news, hating the world. Today's been a shit day. Panama City lost a Jaeger, along with her pilots - Hendorff and Mallory. Fucking Category III Kaijus - there'll be Category IVs soon, Leonard knows. Sulu sounded so down when he emailed Leonard, talking about how he couldn't even go for their funerals because he was in stuck in Sydney.

He's already sent his Jim-email for the day, but today warrants a break with tradition.

`From: lmccoy@jaeger.stfl  
To: asldkjfdsf@anons.com`

`Sulu's really down after today. You know Hendorff and Mallory were his classmates. Can I tell him you're alive?`

`Leonard McCoy`  
`LOCCENT Mission Control`  
`Starfleet Jaeger Program`

The reply comes within minutes.

`From: asldkjfdsf@anons.com  
To:lmccoy@jaeger.stfl`

`My condolences.`

`Yeah. Can’t promise I’ll contact him.`

A weight leaves Leonard's shoulders. He opens a new tab.

`From: lmccoy@jaeger.stfl  
To: hsulu@jaeger.stfl`

`Something to take your mind off Hendorff and Mallory. Jim's alive. He emailed me 5 weeks ago. Wanted to tell you, but I didn't dare to ask him. Just got permission. I quote, “My condolences. Yeah. Can’t promise I’ll contact him."`

`Leonard McCoy`  
`LOCCENT Mission Control`  
`Starfleet Jaeger Program`

Leonard hopes Sulu understands.

`From: hsulu@jaeger.stfl  
To: lmccoy@jaeger.stfl`

`Np. Tell him to hang in there. He can email me, if he wants.  
P.S. Don't blame you. Or him.`

`Hikaru Sulu`  
`Ranger`  
`Starfleet Jaeger Program`

Leonard leans back against his chair and stretches, working his stiff joints. More Jaeger trial runs tomorrow. It has to get better. Somehow.


End file.
